|
I'll just put it right out here: I
think marriage ought to be heaven on earth. Why not? It's just two
people, not a committee or a roomful--just two imperfect but willing people trying to make a mutually
beneficial deal. The deal is to live our version of heaven now, in the
life we have now; to allow the love we have for another and the love we receive
from another to heal us of our past injuries now. To think up what would
be paradise for us and make a mutual agreement to create it for each other now. And to stop waiting for the life we yearn for to
happen some time in the future. Let's make it happen now. It can be
done. We know how. There is
no reason not to do so.
But, having said the above--I also know
that sometimes people need to split, and should split, and I respect
that choice. Sometimes when people come in to the office their
marriage is already basically DOA, and it's time to move on. Hopefully
wiser for it. In this case the goal is to split like adults, with
decency and mutual respect, and if we have children, especially without
involving them in our differences. Later on we want to look back
on the memories without bitterness toward our ex, and with the inner
peace that comes from knowing that we acted as adults.
Or, if you are someone whose past
relationships haven't worked out so well, you may be wondering what your
fate will be. Maybe you want to "fix yourself up" a bit or fortify
yourself with a little therapy first. Re-evaluate, take a closer
look at your strengths and areas that could use some tuning up.
Clarify your boundaries. Because my belief is that there IS
someone for you, someone "perfect for you," and I say that based
both on
statistics and on what I have seen happen. There are millions of
nice people out there, and one or even more who would think you were
their perfect person if you should meet. There are many quality
people who understand agreements and how to keep them. That person
is waiting to meet you and doesn't even know it. Yeah, I know it's
not easy to do the search, but the payoff is more than worth it.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but believe me--believe me, it's worth the
trouble.
HERE'S A HINT: IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE
UNATTACHED AND ARE OPEN TO MEETING SOMEONE--you will want to look for a
person who understands the concept of RULES FOR SELF, and AGREEMENTS
WITH PARTNER. The two essentials of a great relationship.
Someone who knows we don't make rules for others, only for ourselves,
and who also knows solid relationships are based on making and KEEPING
agreements. Lots more to say about this. Ask me for more
details.
HERE'S AN ARTICLE ON
MARRIAGE COUNSELING
Typically, partners are
a little (or a lot) tense when they first come in for marriage or
relationship counseling.
Prospective clients may be wary
because of unfamiliarity with how the whole counseling thing works, and
worried that the therapist will "take sides" against him or
her. Clients usually feel "alone"
because their spouse probably isn't an ally at this point, and the therapist is a
stranger. Clients wonder if they're going to be criticized or shamed or
ganged-up-on. And the very fact that you're in marriage
counseling somehow seems like admitting failure. For a lot of people
the whole experience feels kind of embarrassing or shameful. There are
other places you'd really rather be.
Also, couples may not be
getting along very well at home, and you don't want to have to sit there
and take another scolding from your spouse that you have already heard,
maybe numerous times. (But don't worry, I don't allow scolding by
anybody.)
Therapists are highly
focused too. We have just one hour to find out what's going on now,
get some history, ask some key questions, establish connections with
both clients, clarify goals, and form a time-limited plan for improvement that makes
sense to both. And help both partners to be encouraged enough to
make another appointment.
The first big question
for each individual is: Do you want to stay together with your
husband/wife? The possible answers are Yes, No, or Maybe (haven’t
decided).
Your answer becomes the
goal of counseling. I will work with your answer with each
individual. I don’t take sides (or I take each of your sides, however
you want to look at it). I'm an advocate for both of you.
No matter what the
outcome is, the biggest goal is for you to be happier than you were before counseling.
So whatever the final outcome, a few years from now you can say “I did all the right things--for
the right reasons.”
If the answer is stay
together, the goal becomes to heal what is troubling the relationship and create
ways to achieve a more loving and satisfying relationship. My
belief is marriage can and should meet the needs of both persons.
If the answer is split,
the goal is to do it as adults, respectfully and fairly, to be honest
and straightforward, and not to enrich competing lawyers who will fight
each other while you watch and pay them. Pay them a lot. I strongly
suggest mediation, instead.
If the answer is
“Haven’t decided,” the goal is to help each person decide.
If one person
decides not to come in, the other should come in anyway. It’s OK. We
do not allow undermining of the absent person.
Remember that problems
were not created in a day, so it will take a few sessions to achieve
results. Please be patient, it is the key to success.
Two reactions are very
common: 1. Things get better in one or two sessions and clients
decide to quit counseling because they had a good week or some good
conversations and think their problems are over. Advice: don’t get
better too quick. Make sure the underlying issues are taken care of.
Otherwise you may feel too embarrassed to call me back and make another
appointment if/when things deteriorate again. At this point many people
say “We tried marriage counseling and it didn’t work,” or they have to
start over again with a different counselor.
The other very common
reaction: 2. Things get worse after one or two sessions,
people get discouraged and want to quit because it looks hopeless. Facing
relationship problems is difficult and we want solutions fast. But patience will pay off hugely because we're going to do
it right the first time. It takes a while to do it right (5
sessions, minimum). Counseling is much, much cheaper than the costs of a
divorce!
This means that,
for counseling to be of benefit, you need to commit in your own mind to
coming in for at least five sessions. You are not signing anything, you
are not obligated to in any way, but the process needs a minimum time to
work successfully.
My promise to you is:
I won't shame you, I won't try to find out all your secrets, I
won't tell you what to do, I won't beat up on you or allow your spouse
to beat up on you in my office. I will respect you as you are and
encourage you to describe what you want. I will operate with the
goal of helping both of you create a better future, whether you end up
married or single.
One last thing,
between sessions, think of questions for me. I promise you I will
answer every question. Ask for what you want from me, every session.
You have a right to get your money’s worth from me. Make me work.
Top of Page
|