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REDECISION THERAPY:
CLAIMING YOUR RIGHT TO ADULTHOOD
IN THE LATE 1970s,
therapists Robert and Mary Goulding,* wrote about the work they were
doing and called it Redecision Therapy. Their reasoning went like
this: when we are born we don’t know right and wrong, good and bad,
should and shouldn’t, and we don’t know who we are. We learn these
things as children from the people who raise us, and from our early experiences. At
various times in our childhood we make decisions about ourselves, other
people, the world, and our role in it. Can you remember as a kid
thinking “I guess I’m just a person who…”? We are forming our identity.
Some of these decisions
are positive—“I’m good at…” “I like math…” “I’m a friendly person.”
Some may be negative—“I’m kind of dumb about…” “I don’t like my
looks.” You get the idea.
As children we had to go
along with the program, so we don’t blame ourselves for making “wrong”
decisions back then. We didn’t have knowledge beyond our daily
world. But as adults, now, we don’t have to be bound for life by the
decisions we made as a ten-year old.
Being adults, we have the
right to decide what is best for us. We will undoubtedly want to keep
most of the principles we learned and accepted, but there might
be a few decisions that don’t work so well for us now. Maybe they were
not even valid in the first place.
We have the right to
“re-decide,” based on the new information we have and the better
perspective of adulthood. Maybe it was appropriate back then, but now
it might be getting in the way of happiness. In no way do we waste time
blaming people or events of our past. We are looking ahead.
The process of Redecision
takes a few counseling sessions to clarify the process and hone in on
just what needs to be fine-tuned. When the time is right, the process
is simple and direct. Many participants have said afterwards they
felt much more “complete,” “adult,” and their “own person.”
*(Goulding,
Robert, and Goulding, Mary. Changing Lives Through Redecision
Therapy. New York: Brunner/Mazel, 1979.)
THE THREE Rs OF
MARRIAGE COUNSELING: RELIEF, RECOVERY, REFORM
Typically, couples wait until things are pretty bad before they work up
their courage to try marriage counseling. Then we have one hour to pull
things together enough for the couple to find the encouragement to come
back and continue the process through the steps to heal—regardless of
whether they stay married or not. The first hour of counseling is where
both marriage counselors and troubled couples make it or break it “for
better or for worse.”
The first question for each individual: “Do you want to stay married?
There are three possible answers: yes, no, or I haven’t decided.”
Marriage counseling will help with any of these goals, with the added
huge benefit of keeping the process respectful and “clean.” Please
remember, if you fight, everybody loses except the lawyers.
Then we want to look at the priorities for getting back on an even keel
(regardless of whether the goal is to stay married or not). President
Franklin Roosevelt first spoke these words as his priorities for dealing
with the Great Depression of the 1930s: Relief, Recovery, Reform. We
are borrowing them here, thank you Mr. President. RELIEF: to stop
fighting, end the hurting, call a truce, “get some space,” take some
deep breaths, find strength, have some positive experiences, if
possible. RECOVERY: figure out how to get back to “normal,” hopefully
when things were good, or at least respectful. REFORM: learn new ways
to deal with conflict and problems that might come back in the future,
to make sure things don’t go downhill again (in this relationship or the
next one). That way, no matter what comes up in the future, you can
deal with it.
Even if the goal is to split up, you will want to follow these Three Rs.
Get “Relief” for yourself, take care of yourself, gather your strength
again, remember who you are and where you are going. “Recover” to get
some distance and perspective to deal respectfully and fairly with your
ex as you take care of the details of the split. (My strong advice is,
do not act out your hostilities by hiring an “attack” lawyer. Even if
you “win,” take it from me, nobody wins in this case except the lawyers
you enrich.) And in the long run—“Reform” and improve your prospects
for achieving healthier relationships in the future. Make sure this
disaster doesn’t happen again.
Above all, please don’t give in to the strong desire to quit counseling
before doing all three steps. People want to quit the process when they
start feeling better (get Relief), when they start getting along, when
they “have a good week.” Do not quit the process. Quitting before completing all
three steps most likely leads back to the dumps sooner or later.
And then most people are too embarrassed to call me back--or they think
"we tried marriage counseling and it didn't work."
It’s
vital to resolve never to go through this again—to learn better ways to
resolve problems as they arise. Reform is needed, or you wouldn’t have
gotten in trouble in the first place.
One more idea: if people can get themselves into counseling
before things go totally to the dogs, that would be a good thing!
Do you know a "hardcore smoker?" Are you one?
Check out my latest article on the Smoking page. Click on the link
to the left. Pass the info along.
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