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WHAT MARRIAGE OUGHT TO BE, OR “I’D
LOVE TO GO TO THE BOAT SHOW!”
Marriage is a timely
topic, and even a hot-button issue right now, so here are some
non-political thoughts on what a good marriage is: at its heart,
marriage is a collection of agreements between adults. It is a
handshake deal. It is based on the good faith and good word of each
party, the “I do.” Friends and family witness the ceremony of mutual
promise, and all send their best wishes for happiness to the couple.
But before the traditional
recitation of vows, it’s a good idea for couples to put their thinking
caps on about what each wants out of marriage, and to turn these wants into
mutual agreements. Better to talk in a loving way about what we
want at the beginning than to let unspoken assumptions go off track
before they are dealt with. Some samples: “I agree always to
be faithful to you.” Look each other in the eye. Shake.
A kiss is a good idea too. “I will do my best to create heaven on
earth for you. Let me know what that is.” Shake. “I
will do my very best always to speak lovingly and respectfully to you.”
Shake on it. Remember, these are two-way
agreements. Each person says it to the other. Maybe you would add or
delete from this list, but best to keep it to just a few big ones. The
big agreements remind us of the big picture when we get lost in the
details of living.
I knew a couple who agreed
to support (some, many, most?) of each other’s interests, even though it
might not have been their first choice of what to do. So she found
herself saying “Sure, I would love to go to the boat show with you.”
And he would say “The Flower Market? OK, it will be fun.” And because
each took that positive attitude, they ended up enjoying the activity in
the company of their partner. These agreements and activities created
memories that are deeply comforting now that one of them has passed
away.
For troubled marriages, it
is healing to make agreements, make them freely, and thereby confront
our own ability to keep our word. Our word is all we have. Things
usually get better.
Then once in a while,
remind your partner of your pledge. Look each other in the eye. You
will earn “mushy” points big time. --Jay
“DEAR JAY: Q AND A” Questions submitted by readers.
Q: I felt
uncomfortable with my last counselor because I felt like I was supposed
to do something but I didn’t know what that was. I started to feel like
I was supposed to make him happy and it was another failed
relationship. I felt like I wasn’t “measuring up” in some way. How can
I avoid this problem in the future?”
JAY’S A: In my
view, the only obligation a client has is to show up (on time) for
appointments and pay the bill. It’s assumed that clients want to change
for the better as a result of counseling, and that they have some idea
of what changes they want. It’s my hope that clients will keep an open
mind, both speak and listen, try new thinking and acting, and understand
that it takes a while. The therapist is there to meet your needs,
absolutely not the other way around. You have the right to expect a
clear treatment plan after two or three sessions. Every session should
include some kind of evaluation of progress on the plan. My belief is
that everything the client says and does is exactly right, and our job
together is to channel all this toward the client’s stated goals. If
you have expressed your concerns and there is no improvement, you are
out of there.
And you know, you’re not
signing on for life. Every counselor presumably has something to
offer. Find out what it is, get it, and move on.
GOT TEST (ANXIETY)? If you have an exam coming up, hypnosis and
self-hypnosis are very helpful for study, retention, and application. It
is also great for helping you stay comfortably focused during the test
itself. Give me a call for more info. My won-lost record is 19 -2.
Student discount.
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