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HI TO MY FRIENDS:
Ever feel just a teensy bit rebellious over all the “politically
correct” and “good for you/bad for you” advice flying around out there?
Or the manipulative ads directed at us? What’s that you say? You feel
a LOT rebellious? OK, normal reaction. But obviously lots of the
advice is valid, and if we are going to get somewhere we need to follow
some of the “good for you” pointers. Here is a short article that helps
link behavior to goals.
“I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME WHAT TO DO”
Got a little rebellion
going on? Don’t we all? We get lectured to, instructed, and warned on
every conceivable angle of life, from TV, magazines, the newspaper,
radio, the mail, friends. It does get tiresome. (I hope you are flushing out your water heater every six months like you are
supposed to!)
And advice seems to change
over time. What was good for us to eat last year might be out this
year. Eat fish or avoid the mercury? Or advice is unclear. Will
voting for this proposition “create a vast new bureaucracy, responsible
to no one,” or will it “bring much-needed reform”?
So here is a counselor
(that would be me) talking to you, full of ideas for improvement.
Together, we search for the Truth about how to get from here to there.
And the first Truth, with a capital T, is: we don’t “gotta do”
anything in this life—IF we are willing to accept the consequences.
Take it a little further, IF we do want a certain outcome, THEN there
are certain things we have to do. IF the goal is to lose some pounds
THEN there are some things we gotta do and some things we can’t do. Set
aside any negatives—or positives—as much as possible—about who is giving
the advice, how it's delivered, or who may or may not be following it.
Ask yourself, is it right for me? Will it move me in the right
direction?
The “must dos” are a
condition of the desired outcome, not just a principle of correct
living. We do live in a very regulated society, but we
still have the freedom to order our lives. Thinking carefully
about what we want out of life, weighing the costs compared to the
benefits, and making a decision to go for a goal--these are the best ways to
exercise our freedom. Such decisions affirm our responsibility to
ourselves, and by extension, to those around us. By taking this
responsibility, and by planning using the IF – THEN model, we take
rebellion and resentment out of the equation. That’s a big step toward
success.
--Jay
“DEAR JAY: Q AND A” Questions submitted by readers.
Q: “A friend of mine recently met with a therapist and said
she felt worse after the session. I thought it was supposed to make you
feel better. I realize there are many factors involved, nature of the
problem, personality, history, etc, but…”
JAY’S A: One time I had a toothache and I went to the
dentist, got into the chair, got my paper bib on. Then the dentist came
in and stuck his little steel pick right into my aching tooth. He
didn’t have to ask if it hurt, because I let him know right away. Hope
I didn’t scare anybody in the waiting room.
You know the rest of the
story: some drill and fill (not real fun, but bearable), and pretty
soon it didn’t hurt at all. It was fixed. A classic “therapeutic
intervention.” We don’t enjoy these little episodes, but we expect they
will work.
We hope counseling therapy
doesn’t hurt like that, but it’s not exactly fun to poke into sore
points or problems that may have been part of our life for a long time.
Like a toothache, it might feel worse before it feels better. But, like
a visit to the dentist, expect it to work. It will work, if you let it.
The biggest step is
getting yourself into the office in the first place. People don’t come
in for counseling because they are feeling good. Once in the office,
the counselor’s goal should be to help you feel better right away—by
relaxing about the process, by clarifying the desired outcome, by
understanding how to get there. A good counselor will help you do this
in the first session, and will give you a realistic estimate of probable
success and how long it will take. Maybe the second-biggest step is
coming back for a second appointment. --Jay
STUDYING? TESTING? If you have an exam coming
up, hypnosis and self-hypnosis is very helpful for study, understanding,
retention, and application. It is also great for helping you stay
comfortably focused during the test itself. Give me a call for more
info. My won-lost record is now 18 -1 (for those who came in three or
more times). Professional discount for MFT, LCSW, Psychologist, State
Bar, and Court Reporter candidates.
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